I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
