Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
