Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
