All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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