he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize