I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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