the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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