This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
