I cockslap morals
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
