He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
