I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
