so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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