Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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