Swine flu. Run for my life!
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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