I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
