i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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