Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
