ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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