That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize