I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
