I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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