At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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