he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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