I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
