I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
