You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
she woke up with a sticky ear
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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