bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Randomize
