I could have mohawked her pubes.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize