I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
