No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
