I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
