I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
