So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
