Betty ford says i'm here all night
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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