I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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