Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
