After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
