Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
home. puking in laundry basket.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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