Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
