How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
