I puked a lego.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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