I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
no more duck duck goose at the bar
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
