I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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