Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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