Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
