I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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