My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just gargled with NyQuil
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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