Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
