Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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