If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
