I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
