They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
