This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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