I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
