By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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