Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
