First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I need water and some morals
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
