Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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