He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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