dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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