I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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