so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
