I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
