Welp...herpes.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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