Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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