when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
