After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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