remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
