You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
